Monday, May 18, 2009

This isn't a comic but the thoughts seem to fit here

I think it is possible that we all love differently. Some people love one person with their whole heart and then give handfuls of love to others here and there. I may be young and this may sound naive coming from me but I don't think I'm that kind of person. I don't think I know how to give myself to one person, if I'm even capable of that connection. Friends who have had success in that kind of love seem to pity me for thinking this way I think, but I think it isn't pitiable. Maybe I'm just meant to love those around me with more than just handfuls.

I am the eternal friend.

I always have been. I give my heart to my friends and my family, the good parts anyway.
Does that mean I cherish the bad parts of my heart, b/c I won't give those to them? I don't think so, rather I think I would rather them be happy and I try to not burden them with the darkness that can brood inside me. That's not to say that I don't cry to them or rant or show my selfishness. I'm human and even I need comfort. I can't always give or there'd be nothing left of me. But that's just the give and take of friendship. You give and you receive so that in the end you'll have more to give and the cycle continues. And I'm not saying that I'm trying to protect them from dark things, either. Life is full of pain and while I never want them to have any I know I can't control that fact. I also know that sometimes you have to experience that pain otherwise smiles are just too easy and lose their meaning. Laughter is only precious because of tears. I just don't see any point in adding to the shit this world throws at us by sharing my dark side with others. But to be in love, as I understand it, is to love all of someone. The bright and the dark. If I can't bring myself to burden others with my darkness then I cannot be in love-it stands to reason.
It is my goal then as a human full of love in my heart that cannot be given to just one to give it all to those who I feel deserve it whether they think they are worthy or not. I'm getting better at it too. Even when I'm actually upset about something that has hurt me emotionally my tears don't flow anymore. Not in front of others anyway. Alone they do, but that's natural. Sometimes they escape but I've gotten better at hiding them or those around me have gotten better at ignoring them. That's not to say I don't cry. I'm a cry baby. When I get sick or make an error in my check book I cry like a child who has broken a toy that is easily fixed. It's quite embarrassing actually. It is when another human hurts me that I've learned to lock it away. We are selfish creatures, myself included, and we hurt each other even when we try to martyr ourselves b/c we think it will hurt the other less in the long run.
Now I sound like I'm pitying myself, but that isn't it. It's more like coming to a resolution. I'm not cold though. My heart still beats and dreams of warm things like the hands of a lover. I dream of a man who wants to know the dark side of me and when I finally give in and reveal it he doesn't leave. It's a selfish dream though and maybe it comes from taking on the burdens given to me by others (though I'm sure most of my friends also hide their darkness, but I'm pretty good at discovering it anyway-yet if it is found does that mean it was ever really hidden?) that I want to be able to unload my burdens on another? I'm happy to take on the burdens of my friends and family. I cherish the trust that I won't drop them these people put in me. It makes me feel less empty; but, I'd feel selfish unloading mine on someone else. We are all troubled in the end. Sometimes I think it would be nice if I could be the only one troubled, locking up the troubles of those who I love in the dark places I keep my own. However, I know that would be another selfish wish b/c inevitably I would fall and all their burdens would return and probably in worse shape than before and perhaps my own failure would become a burden as well. I can only hold their burdens until they are strong enough to take them back from me.
I'm not a martyr. I find martyrs to be the most selfish. If I am one, it is unintentional. I don't think I'm sacrificing myself or my happiness this way. I think mostly I'm just afraid to try to find happiness any other way.
I'm a firm believer in the saying "you can do anything you put your mind to." Up till now, I've only ever really focused on my career (which is just beginning) and I know what I want from that and I have a firm grasp on the main things I need to achieve the goals I've set. I haven't ever looked at other parts of my life.
People tell me I'm an old soul; sometimes, however, I just wonder if I'm not really just a child who sounds grown up but doesn't really understand the meanings behind what she is saying.

Please, forgive these thoughts I've shared with you here. This is a blog I created for comics but sometimes I get caught up too much in my own head. While I'll probably always be a solitary person only surrounded with the shadows of those I love too much, I'm not very good at being alone. Sometimes I need to share my thoughts and this way people can either read them or ignore them, but whichever they do it is by their choice. I'm cheating. I'm sharing a burden but under the pretext that you reading this wouldn't have made it this far if you didn't want to take it on, even if just for the few moments you waste reading it.
Honestly, it's not so bad being a solitary person. If you give your love, to those you can, you get moments of fire stirring your soul. Also I think if you accept a fate like this with laughter it won't hurt in the end when it it does come true. I know I'm sounding self-pitying again, and I kind of am. I don't want to be alone. I say it's not bad b/c it isn't overall, but if I'm going to be really honest it feels like dying slowly sometimes. I hate it when I think about those times. There-see? I can share some burdens with others. These are just temporary burdens. The kind of burdens that you learn to overcome and that make you stronger if you just give them the chance to heal the wounds they make on you heart.

Monday, May 4, 2009


Soooo...yeah I ran out of ideas for this comic. I had SO MANY when I started but I guess I forget them. My bad. I'll get to updating this again (maybe) when the inspiration strikes. I tried to talk my friend Annie into guest posting but she won't do it. If anyone out here has any ideas I'll be happy to let you do a comic or draw it for you (crediting you of course). :D

Till then, there is always Crazy Cat the making.


Sunday, April 19, 2009

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Sunday, March 22, 2009